I noticed a long time ago that men and women often do not communicate the same way. When I read Deborah Tannen’s book YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, I gained some valuable insight. Men relate in facts; women in feelings. Just because I tell my husband about a problem does not mean I want him to fix it necessarily; I just want to tell him about it. Believe it or not, although the translation into “manspeak” gives me a headache sometimes, I have become a more successful communicator because I acknowledge the difference.
I have heard other talks about the languages of love. I know there is a book out by Gary Chapman about it, but the talk I heard was given by June Hunt on HOPE FOR THE HEART. Her point was pretty much the same as Deborah Tannen’s really: if you want to show someone that you love them, you had better figure out how they think love is shown. It has been a while since I heard this show, but I remember two of the “languages”. One was that love was shown by gifts, and another was that love was shown by spending time together.
I personally am a spending time together kind of person, and I think my husband and kids are too. My father and my daughter-in-law, on the other hand, are “things” people. Bear in mind that I am not saying their view is bad. It is just different from my own. My father measures things in accomplishments. He is convinced that my younger sister is a better money manager than I because she has more money. I don’t think that is necessarily the case, but I know that is the way he sees it. He is very attached to possessions. I have often thought his attachment came from growing up during the Depression, but I think maybe there is more to it than that. My grandparents both worked–hard–while he was growing up, and while they could not give him much time, they could give him some material goods.
My son’s oldest son, RJ, I think is a time spender. This is why I think so. We spent last weekend at his house for his brother’s baptism, and it seemed to me that RJ’s greatest joy lay in getting someone’s complete attention. I was trying to get dressed and did not really want his attention in the bathroom, but he was so insistent that I let him in once I was decent. He watched what I did, and when I was brushing my hair, he asked if he could brush it. I have long hair, and it gets tangled, but I can’t resist my grandson, so I let him try. And he was just as gentle and careful as his grandfather would have been.
I think it takes a quiet spirit to discern how love is communicated to those that you love. Even if their way is not your way, you can be rewarded if you take the time to translate.
journey toward stillness 